grandma shit on top of the toilet
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So much rum. So many feels.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
