My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize