i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
