Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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