I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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