maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
