I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
