there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
