Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
