awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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