i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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