god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
