Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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