hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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