guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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