I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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