she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize