I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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