Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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