And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize