also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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