Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
