Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
