this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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