Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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