Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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