So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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