I am full of burrito and curiosity
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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