Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize