so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm having to shit out rocks
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize