OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
