Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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