You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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