i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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