Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
