I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
