Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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