So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The air was thick with penises
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
