So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
