If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
