my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
