He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
