remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
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