god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
