they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
