fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
