and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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