I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
