Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
