is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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