i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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