I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We talked him into tasing himself.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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