I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
