Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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