I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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