Tell her she can't have a vagina
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
