just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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