Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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