Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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