I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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