He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
