You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
